2024-01-18 More often than not, I am able to trace back to a thought that I have lost track of by going up the tree of thought in which that thought sprouted. The jumps and leaps that my mind makes are usually associational and not very straightforward or rational.
That they were perhaps deterministic in that moment always struck me with apprehension, and strange comfort. Is this proof that these thought patterns are at least somewhat mine? Did that mean that I was predictable, or programmed, or programmable? If so, was I so programmed by experiences that, when considered recursively, was predicated by a birth that I didn’t ask for? This is my usual spiral slide into a wider existential doubt about the existence of free will. It’s also the premise on which this project is based: I hope to sketch what my thought loops look like and how they evolve over time.
2024-04-22 I think it’s not unlikely that I am deterministic over time. Especially like above, when separated by a span of a few seconds, my thoughts are basically deterministic. On the other hand, I don’t think that this matters too much to the actual conduct of my life: if I expect and act as if I have agency, that’s worth working with, too.
This is a good segue: If change is then possible, and it is separate from the idea of whether or not it was determined ahead of time, what makes that minimally viable? How can I best work with this network of thoughts that continues to grow under my care?